Jones also stated that this new singer will not simply be a Plant sound-alike, in order to avoid seeming like a tribute band.  So the big question is: Who will be the one to step into Plant’s skin-tight bell bottoms?  While the safe choice would be someone with some strong pipes and a decent hard rock pedigree (but not necessarily a big name), a new contest by the good people at Popdose has given me inspiration to think outside the proverbial box.

So indulge me for a moment, while I spitball a few names that may provide just the jolt this new version of Zep needs to stay popular and relevant…

William Shatner - In addition to being the greatest living entertainer, Shatner is of course an accomplished vocalist.  I can just hear it now:  “And she’s…buying…a staiiiirway….to Heaven!”

Clay Aiken - Kinda gives a whole new meaning to “cock rock” doesn’t it?  (oh yes, I just went there.)

Rick Astley - “It’s been a long time since I’ve been Rickrolled…”

Jack White - OK, you may have picked up on the last few suggestions being somewhat less than serious, but I think White would actually be an interesting pick.  He’s got the vocal chops even though he’s not a prototypical hard rock frontman, and having a second guitarist playing Zeppelin would be pretty sweet.

Now the damn things are everywhere, and I’ve grown to loathe them.  The only thing worse than trite sentimentality is mass-marketed trite sentimentality, and this little saying is the verbal equivalent of those posters with the dressed-as-adults kids kissing or holding hands.  Or even worse, Anne Geddes posters.  *shudder*

So as an alternative, I offer up a few variations on this “All because…” theme that are a little more grounded in reality.  Feel free to print any of these and hang them in the high-traffic room of your choice!

Brett Favre, helmet in hand, strides onto the practice field and approaches Aaron Rodgers as a phalanx of reporters and fans cheers.

BRETT FAVRE

Hey Aaron!  I’m here buddy!  Listen, I know I said I was done with football, but I just couldn’t stay away.  I hope that’s cool with you, man.

Aaron looks around tentatively and takes a few steps back.  He runs directly in front of Brett, wheels back his right leg, and kicks him square in the nuts.

The End

Look for the new single, “Moonshine-flavored Lollipop”, coming soon to iTunes!

(for a little background, get thee to Wikipedia)

The Rules

1. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album (you might have to click new random quotes at the bottom).

3. Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. The third picture, no matter what it is, is your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

The Result

Combine my Wikipedia article, my quote segment, and my photo and we have the stunning debut album from Giancarlo Corradini - Better Opportunity to Win:

I think the band name and photo are a great match - could be some really classy stuff in the mold of Andrea Bocelli. Not a big fan of the album name though. Sounds like the title of a lame motivational seminar.

Edit: Mrs. Suit played along and scored an even better combo (Wiki, photo, quote):

More recently, she was arrested for allegedly assaulting a New York City cop. Most of the stories detailing this latest embarrassment have made mention of the earlier photo faux pas, resulting in a fresh tidal wave of internet searching. Alas, the bikini photos in question are harder to obtain than a Nintendo Wii, forcing many a frustrated searcher to resort to looking for more Japanese tentacle porn instead.

I can certainly sympathize with Lane’s potential paramours, as photos of attractive, scantily clad women are always hard to come by on the ol’ inter-tubes. So here you go guys (and maybe gals - who am I to judge?), I hope it was worth it (picture after the break):

That's hot.

I think Jesse floats through the air when cameras are near, like the old Looney Tunes bits where a character would drift towards a freshly baked pie.

I’m surprised Jerry Seinfeld didn’t use this space for another friggin’ Bee Movie ad.

Yes, we know Tina.

A rare moment of intellectual honesty from Hollywood.

For companies looking to take their Q Score to the next level, I have the answer - spam. Sure the idea sounds vile at first, but so does McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign and that crap’s been going on forever. So many ad executives are sold on trying to be super-clever or technologically innovative that they forget that simple is usually best. And what could be simpler or more effective than the techniques utilized by email spammers? Obviously enough people buy their crap that it’s worthwhile for them to keep doing it, right?

So now I humbly offer a handful of companies the golden opportunity to slash their bloated advertising budgets and reap ginormous profits at the same time…

Charles Schwab Corp.

Why Their Current Campaign Sucks - By now you’ve likely seen at least one entry in the “Talk to Chuck” campaign. Reportedly in an effort to get people to focus more on the content of the ads, they aped the rotoscoping technique used in films like A Scanner Darkly. While the effect was pretty interesting in the context of a movie, it just looks damn creepy in the commercials. The disturbing visuals are made even worse by having to listen to whiny middle-class schlubs bitch about paying online transaction fees. Here’s a hint for all you Gordon Gekko wannabes - if you can’t afford a few bucks to make an online trade, you’re too poor to be playing the market.

My Awesome Idea - I know I’m a sucker for a good penny stock, and I’m smarter than the average American. So to tap into that sadly overlooked market segment, “Chuck” needs to focus their efforts on sending out some now-ubiquitous email stock spam. It’s a lot less expensive than animated TV ads, and it will allow all of us to sleep a little more soundly at night.

Kia Motors

Why Their Current Campaign Sucks -While big brother Hyundai has made great strides in improving not just the quality of its cars but public perception of its cars, Kia still struggles. Making matters worse is series after series of uninspired ads that are either nauseatingly cutesy or ridiculously pretentious. Thanks to some of the recent Ronda ads, now instead of merely laughing at Kia I loathe them with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns.

My Awesome Idea - If Kia wants people to think of them as a better car, they need to get people to think in the first place. And what kind of advertising does that better than those emails full of random words that don’t even seem to be selling anything at all? No kind, that’s what.

AOL

Why Their Current Campaign Sucks -I’m not even 100% certain how AOL is attempting to market itself these days (it has been awhile since I’ve received an unsolicited AOL CD in the mail), but the last campaign I do remember - basically appealing to borderline retards who still, as of 2005, had no idea what a computer virus was or how to prevent them - was horrendous. But does it really matter anyway? So many people have been so turned off by the rather pushy tactics of the past that the company really has nowhere to go in terms of public opinion but up. Or do they?

My Awesome Idea - Striking deals with computer vendors to come pre-installed with Windows is no longer sufficient. Mailing out enough CDs to cover most of Greenland is no longer sufficient. It’s time for AOL to take things to the next level if they want to relive the glory days of the ’90s, and that means one thing - Nigerian 419 Scam Emails!  It’s gold, Jerry, GOLD!