The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit

Before today I had never even heard of Craig Powerplay, but would’ve guessed he was a legendary hockey player.  In fact, it’s the name for a line of automotive stereo equipment produced by (you guessed it) Craig.  Back around 1977/78 Craig ran an ad campaign for its Powerplay products featuring a rather diverse group of musicians – Ray Charles, the Beach Boys, and Billy Preston to name a few.  This one calls upon the star power of prog rock giants Emerson, Lake & Palmer.

You probably don’t recognize the group without capes or satin kimonos, but that’s them alright.

In 1906, cars were still considered a luxury item in the United States, well beyond the reach of the common folk.  And yet two years before the legendary Model T ushered in the era of affordable automobiles for the masses, the now-defunct Wallie Dorr Company figured the time was right to capitalize on what was still a niche product.  And to do so they unveiled a new card game based on the expensive, newfangled horseless carriage – Touring.

You probably haven’t heard of Touring but you’ve likely heard of its successor, Mille Bornes.  The idea is the same, really.  Players are engaged in a race of X miles (the figure changed over the years), and can play delay/hazard cards to stop or slow down their opponent.  If you play a mileage card, you move that much further along.  If your opponent gives you a delay card (Out of Gasoline, Puncture, or Collision for instance) you must play its opposite card (Gasoline or Hauled In).  So on and so forth.

Read on Daddy-O…

According to the Website Value Calculator, this site is worth a whopping…wait for it…$103!  But wait!  It gets even better, according to the Calculator…

• “Your site could sell text link advertisements at a rate of approximately $0/Link/Month.”
• “If you sell eight links, you could earn approximately $1/Month selling text links on your site.”
• “Your site could earn approximately $2/Month through creative product placements.”

I have my principles, but that sweet, sweet product placement money may be too good for me to pass up.  I’ll have to think about it first.  Let me crack open an ice cold Coors Light and take a spin in my Mercury Milan before I decide on whether to whore out…

Oh hell, why not?!  Bank of America Presents the Man in the Gray Flannel Suit has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?  Yeah, I’m Lovin’ It too!

Nevermind that other list the Vatican published last summer – here are the Ten Commandments for anyone getting behind the wheel in my beloved Garden State:

1. Thou shalt slam on thy brakes within 1,000 yards of a police car, even if thou art not speeding and the police officer hath already pulled someone else over.
2. Thou shalt drive at least 15% faster than the posted speed limit or thou shalt get out of the way.
3. Thou shalt forget everything thou learned about driving when the first raindrop hits the road.
4. Thou shalt drive as if thou art the only one on the road if thou drivest a limo.
5. Thou shalt slow to a crawl to rubberneck when even the most minor fender bender occurs.
6. Thou shalt ignore all Merge signs when there is a traffic backup, because getting 20 feet ahead will totally make all the difference.
7. If thou art female and under 5′4″, thou shalt drive the largest SUV thou can afford.
8. Thou shalt wait until thou art pulled up to the toll booth to start digging for change.
9. Thou shalt only drive while using thy cell phone in an emergency. Or a non-emergency.
10. Thou shalt use thy brights and fog lights at all times, and ensure that thy regular headlights are improperly aligned.

For proud parents of intelligent or athletic children, there seems to be no shortage of bumper sticker options for displaying said pride. By now we’ve all seen the ubiquitous “Proud Parent of a Blah Blah High School Honor Student” sticker, or witnessed the proliferation of athletic stickers ranging from the common soccer ball to the newest trend (at least in NJ) of silhouette stickers depicting one sport or another.

This is all well and good, but sad to say, not every child can be a SUPERSTAR despite the most fervent wishes of their parents. So should their cars go unadorned with festive and boastful decals? Hell no! Mediocrity and underachievement should be celebrated in our children, just like it is in our adults – how else could we explain Sheryl Crow’s career?

So as a public service to the beaming parents of slackers, malcontents, and misfits, I offer just a few suitable-for-printing decals for your use. Custom orders always accepted of course… Read on Daddy-O…

Advertising is a tough business. The average consumer is bombarded with hundreds of ads throughout the day, large and small, so getting their attention for more than a few seconds is a herculean task. Occasionally an ad campaign is heard through the din (the Geico cavemen and Nike’s “Just Do It” just to name a few) but most are quickly consigned to the dustbin of marketing history.

For companies looking to take their Q Score to the next level, I have the answer – spam. Sure the idea sounds vile at first, but so does McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign and that crap’s been going on forever. So many ad executives are sold on trying to be super-clever or technologically innovative that they forget that simple is usually best. And what could be simpler or more effective than the techniques utilized by email spammers? Obviously enough people buy their crap that it’s worthwhile for them to keep doing it, right?

So now I humbly offer a handful of companies the golden opportunity to slash their bloated advertising budgets and reap ginormous profits at the same time…

Read on Daddy-O…

License plates are one of the most effective ways for a state to advertise itself to the world. And since a license plate design is usually much more long-lasting than an ad campaign, the choice of design is very important. This is a topic that weighed heavily on my mind as I drove home from Cape Cod last weekend, believe it or not. So in an effort to be as scientific (anal) as possible, I rated all 50 U.S. plates based on the following criteria:

• Typeface – Fonts used, as well as their arrangement, are considered.
• Text – Includes mottoes, slogans, or any other information. Points are deducted for any use of county names or websites.
• Color scheme
• Logo/illustration – The use of any pictures or illustrations is graded.
• Overall appeal – Taken as a whole, how does it look?

Each plate was given a total point value based on each category (10 points max), and then an average was calculated. Next to each entry you’ll see the individual scores and an average. The category scores are listed in order, so a score of 5/7/4/8/6 is read as 5 for typeface, 7 for text, 4 for color scheme, etc. As an additional note, only base plates were graded. Special-issue plates, no matter how nice, were not considered. So now that all the egghead stuff is out of the way, let’s judge!

Hon. Mention – U.S. Virgin Islands (7/5/8/8/9, Avg. Score 7.4)

Although the Virgin Islands are obviously not a U.S. state (duh), I had to include this plate. The font, which would look silly on any state tag, is perfect here, and I love the fish illustrations. Overall, a very attractive issue that ranks with the best of the continental U.S.

#10 – Oklahoma (6/6/5/7/7, Avg. Score 6.2)

I’m not enamored of the color scheme here, but the font is strong and the Native American motif is great. Sure, it’s paltry compensation for being screwed by the White Man, but I guess it’s something at least.

#8 (tie) – North Carolina (6/6/6/7/7) & Vermont (6/5/9/5/7) (Avg. Score 6.4)

Two very different designs tie for eighth place. North Carolina’s plate features a simple but effective silhouette featuring the Wright Brothers’ famous plane, along with the state name represented with a funky font choice. Vermont’s plate scores on the strength of its simple but appealing white-on-green color scheme. The tree in the upper left corner is too small to have any impact, though.

#7 – Kansas (6/n.a./6/7/7, Avg. Score 6.5)

A very nice design (featuring the capitol building in Topeka) and a bold font work well for Kansas. The appeal is strengthened due to the very spare usage of text.

Read on Daddy-O…