Words.  Who has time for them, right?  I know I don’t, and you probably don’t either.  So, inspired by Jason Huff’s AutoSummarize project of the 100 most-downloaded copyright-free books, I decided to gather a broader sampling of humanity’s greatest achievements in the form of books, speeches, songs and other works, and run them through Microsoft Word’s ever-handy AutoSummarize feature.  Prepare to expand your mind in 10-sentence fragments.

Moby Dick

by Herman Melville

white whale, shirr! The White Whale, the White Whale!”

“WHAT whale?”

White Whale—no.”

Ship, old ship! The Dying Whale.

The Whale Watch.

Man, man! “The whale! “The whale, the whale!

The Book of Genesis

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

16 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee.

1 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

9 Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? 3 Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;

come, and I will send thee unto them. 9 Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not:

10 And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children’s children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast:

19 The sons of Rachel Jacob’s wife; Joseph, and Benjamin.

2 Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.

…keep digging Yadda yadda yadda…the end. (or, classics of human thought get the AutoSummarize treatment)

I’ll give credit where it’s due – while Saturday Night Live is still very hit-or-miss these days, I enjoyed this sketch a lot.  It’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”, a takeoff on the classic Twilight Zone episode featuring Jude Law.

A few things sold me on this bit – Jude Law’s facial expressions, which recalled William Shatner’s panicked looks in the original, Bobby Moynihan as the gremlin, and Pearl Jam on the wing of the plane.  Oh yeah, and smoked cedar plank salmon.  Because all gremlins love fish.

Well too bad, because we’re getting another one.  Feast your eyes on the trailer for Will Forte’s MacGruber, due out in April:

I’m a fan of the recurring “MacGruber” sketches on SNL, but those are 3-minute bites.  I don’t have high hopes for a full-length movie, although it has some things going in its favor.  Forte is one of the funnier current SNL cast members, as is co-star Kristen Wiig.  And hey, good to see Val Kilmer’s still getting work!  Even if he does look more bloated than the national debt.

There’s always some danger going into an episode like “The Better Man”, which fanboys like me knew in advance would mark the triumphant return of Dr. Orpheus and the Order of the Triad.  The Triad is sort of like the Boba Fett of the Ventureverse – they don’t get a lot of screen time but are basically awesome every second you see them, and as a result fans have grown intensely fond of them.  So the danger is that when you know they’re going to get a spotlight episode, it will be a letdown.

…keep digging Venture Bros. wrapup: “The Better Man”

I’m a week behind on recapping the latest VB installment, but since last night’s episode was a repeat of the season premiere it’s all good.  So without any further preamble, let’s get into it.

The formula for “Self-Medication” is vintage Venture - some intense action (particularly during the cold open), and some further exploration of the larger theme of failure that permeates the entire VB universe.  And by the time we’re done, some major characters find themselves at a crossroads.

First up is good ol’ Doc, who nearly meets a gruesome end at the hands of a newly emboldened and energized Monarch (how can you not love a device called a ‘scarionette’??).  Rusty is literally saved by the bell, when a fortunately timed therapy appointment triggers a new Guild clause (the Mental Health Arch Exclusion) and leaves the Monarch with a case of villain blue balls.  Rusty’s issues are deep and varied, as fans know by now, but I have to say that the scene of little Rusty sharing his anxieties with Jonas Sr. was one of the more pathetic moments in series history.

…keep digging Venture Bros. wrapup: “Self-Medication”

OK, so not every episode can be a stone classic.  I said last week that I like the more self-contained Venture Bros. episodes and I stick by that.  But this one felt a little disjointed until the last few minutes.  Maybe it’s Doc Hammer’s approach to the source material.  Don’t get me wrong though, there were plenty of good moments and laughs.

Maybe part of the problem is that with three separate storylines to focus on (Sgt. Hatred and Rusty trying to save the boys, the boys contending with a grief-stricken Henchman 21, and the Monarch in desperate need of some Benadryl), there was simply too much ground to cover.  I’m not sure what I would’ve cut, but I think the Hatred/Rusty bit felt the most flat.  After earning some redemption in my eyes over the course of the season, Sgt. Hatred was probably the weakest link this episode.

The cold open has 21 talking directly about 24′s death (it was a car intentional) for one of the few times this season, and it also revealed the newfound respect he’s earned from his fellow henchmen.  Hell, even the Monarch is singing his praises for increasing the efficiency of his operation (I guess he’s like a Six Sigma black belt of villainy).   But then we see that 21′s grief has morphed into something bordering on insanity, as he still carries on the same inane discussions he had with 24 – only now he’s talking to 24′s burned skull.  Yikes.

…keep digging Venture Bros. wrapup: “Return to Malice”

Stupid real life is really putting a crimp in my ability to review this season of The Venture Bros.  As a result, you may have noticed that last week’s episode – “Handsome Ransom” – was skipped.  I’ll get around to it at some point, but suffice it to say that I enjoyed it quite a bit.  And now on to newer business.

I don’t know about you, but Season 4 of VB is clicking in a way that Season 3 seldom did.  Maybe it’s the more character-driven storylines, but it doesn’t feel as if Jackson and Doc are trying so hard this year.  “Perchance to Dean” is a perfect example.  It’s got the feel of an early episode, but with the comedic and storytelling sophistication of more recent efforts.  It really is a neat hybrid, just like Dean’s creepy, Phantom of the Opera-esque clone brother.

…keep digging Venture Bros. wrapup: “Perchance to Dean”