I don’t know what kind of site you think I’m running

Thanks to the handy website tracking tools site/blog owners can install, I am able to track not just how many people visit this blog and when, but how they get here (e.g. search terms). The majority of people coming to this blog via search engines are looking for some variant of “man in gray flannel suit.” Unfortunately they will find neither the book nor the movie here. I do feel bad about tricking people in a way, but then again not so much. What I have to say is much more entertaining anyway.

Aside from that, here are some of the more interesting search terms people have used to get to this blog:

  • “christa miller plastic surgery” – OK, so I’m not the only one who is put off by the botched plastic surgery Christa Miller of Scrubs got within the last few years. She’s got this weird thing with her upper lip that I’ve noticed on other famous women, most recently Shannon Tweed. It’s like the doctor accidentally snipped a nerve or something, and they can’t quite close their mouths all the way when the talk. Very odd.
  • “suzy shuster pictures” and “alycia lane bikini photos” – Awhile back it was revealed that Suzy Shuster, wife of TV super stud Rich Eisen, had a little fun at the expense of the very desperate Alycia Lane. I guess my big mistake was not including any pictures of Suzy. I didn’t find anything more than a headshot for Suzy, but if you want to take a peek here you go. And for good measure, here’s Alycia. One unique variant search term used was “saucy bikini anger shuster”, which I may make the new name for this site.
  • “what is the importance of ‘the man in the gray flannel suit'” – The importance is that it is only the greatest blog in the history of the interweb, duh!
  • “gray porn man” – Yeah, not gonna touch that one.
  • “rich eisen’s bikini” – See last entry.
  • disney porn” – Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? Oh yeah, I forgot.
  • neil peart fan assault” – I’ve heard a lot of urban legends surrounding Neil Peart (the most well-known had him suffering from about 6 different types of cancer), but this is one I’ve not heard.
  • “‘view-master’, porn” – I guess this is what kids buy before they’re old enough to start rifling through dad’s hidden Playboy collection.
  • “how tall is jesse tyler ferguson” – His imdb page doesn’t say, and I can’t be bothered to look any further. Sorry!
  • “neil peart asshole” – Having never met the man, I can’t say for certain if he is. Unless this is another porn search, in which case I hope to never find out.
  • “slave to the metal cd” – Ah, memories. This classic metal compliation was reviewed on my old blog all the way back in 2005. I think I’ll go listen to it now.

So I guess the lesson for me is if I want to increase my traffic, I need to start bringing the porn. On the other hand, I couldn’t possibly compete with the major porn sites already out there, so I’ll probably just stick to mildly humorous commentary. And maybe some porn.