Joe, you poor bastard

I admit that in my day I wrote my share of sappy letters/emails to women. But sweet Lord, Joseph Dobbie’s email makes my pinings look like ransom notes. I know a lot of people feel that it was wrong for the woman who received this to forward it on, thereby subjecting the lovelorn Joe to international humiliation. But for those who would follow in his footsteps, here are two cardinal rules of letter-writing that he broke. Please learn from his mistakes:

Rule #1 — Inner dialogue is meant to be just that: Inner.

Joe’s letter starts off innocently enough, but the red flag goes up right away when he writes, “OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? keep it simple and positive Joe.”

Well, that should’ve been the first clue. Unless you’re William Faulkner or Hunter S. Thompson, do NOT go all stream-of-consciousness when you write a letter, especially to someone you are trying to woo. It can only come off one way — creepy.

Rule #2 — If there is a possibility that a genuine emotion can be interpreted as something more sinister, it will be.

I doubt Joe had anything perverse in mind when he wrote, “Your smile is the freshest of my special memories. Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low.”

In an effort to keep things sophisticated, I’m not going to share the first thought that popped into my head when I read this. But it’s probably the same thought that you just had. And may I say, shame on you!

At the end of the day, I think Joe will be alright. Sure, he’s probably humiliated for the moment, but I’m willing to bet that he will be flooded with letters of support (along with some marriage proposals) any day now. But if he does end up with the love of his life one day, let’s just hope he doesn’t write his own wedding vows.

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