John Shuster, internet darling of the day
Even if you’re not a huge fan of curling, you’re probably familiar by now with John Shuster’s underwhelming performance as captain of the U.S. team at this year’s Winter Olympics. Through four matches, Shuster and the boys have zero wins. But what makes this year’s futility especially painful is Shuster’s propensity for coming up short at crucial moments. Three matches have been lost because he couldn’t make his final stone count.
Well the mob has spoken and they’re not happy. In addition to the deluge of anti-Shuster Tweets, the captain’s Wikipedia entry has undergone some creative editing. Luckily it’s all saved in the article history. Here are a few choice ones just from today (in addition to the edits that show him as deceased):
- A personal tidbit – “Shuster failed four times to make a game-winning shot in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. He chokes more than a prostitute.”
- Interesting – “Growing up Shuster was an avid baseball fan. In 2003, he attended a playoff baseball game. When a foul ball was headed towards the stands, he made a play for it but unsurprisingly he couldn’t make the play. Steve Bartman is now blamed for the epic loss because Shuster couldn’t make the play.”
- Now that’s just mean – “John Shuster has single handedly ruined the USA chances to compete for the gold. He missed 3 final shots that could have been made by a one armed, one legged, brainless monkey”
- I didn’t know this was his nickname – “John “chokey mcchokestein” Shuster (born November 3, 1982) is an American curler from Chisholm, Minnesota and Olympic medalist.” (another variation had his occupation as “choker”.)
- Sorry to hear that – “After the lost to Denmark, Shuster’s fiancee officially denounced their relationship, stating that he would have failed as a husband down the line sooner or later. Shuster’s father is currently disappoint.”
- Can’t argue there – “Shuster won the 2010 United States Olympic Curling Trials and is destroying the reputation of the United States at the 2010 Olympic Games in Vancouver.”
- Here’s a whole bunch of gems:
- “He currently works as a quality control specialist for Toyota.”
- “Upon John’s pathetic performance at the 2010 games, he has decided to retire from the sport. And an hero.”
- “In a side note, in 2008 Shuster attempted to commit suicide. Unsurprisingly to those who know him and have watched him play, he failed at the attempt; Shuster used a gun and once again completely messed up the shot.”
- “Shuster’s 2005 college roommate stated that he only bought Shuster a shot once. He said that after the first attempt, he never trusted Shuster with a shot ever again.”
- “Shuster has come to be known as the biggest choke artist of the 2010 Winter Olympics, and is the lone reason the USA curling team has not won a single game this Olympics.”
- “Shuster said he draws inspiration from Bill Buckner, Brad Lidge, Scott Norwood, and the city of Cleveland.”
- “Nicknamed “The Largest Choke Artist Alive”, Shuster distracts his opponents with horrible shots and general terrible overall play. He is known for folding under pressure situations and never making clutch, let alone easy, shots.”
- Of interest to etymologists – “The term “you messed up,” has officially been replaced by “you Shustered it.””
- Yes, but has he ever vomited during play? – “His inability to hammer out points in clutch situations, such as during the 2010 Olympic games, Shuster has recently become known as the Donovan McNabb of professional curling.”
Anyway, you get the point. Look on the bright side John – if nobody cared about curling they wouldn’t bother castigating you like this, right?
By the way, what’s Pete Fenson up to these days?