Starting today, you all have my permission to kick the shins of the following people:

• Drivers at the front of the line who dawdle when the light turns green, then attempt to overcompensate by speeding.
• Anyone who does a slow clap after hearing an amusing/entertaining anecdote in public, as if to signal everyone around them that they just missed out on a super awesome story.
• People who feel compelled to post some variant of “First!” to start a message board comment thread.
• Fast food workers who can’t grasp the idea that “no onions” does not really mean “as many onions as possible.”
• Geniuses at the grocery store who bring 20+ items to the express self-checkout areas and justify it by saying that 10 identical cans of beans really are one item.