Retrotisements: Valentine’s Day Edition
OK fellas, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. You know the drill by now so make with the flowers, candy, and assorted frilly things declaring your undying love. Need some suggestions this year? Here’s some vintage Valentine’s Day advertisements to help you get in the mood… for shopping.
(Western Union Telegram, 1948)
SAW YOU IN MALT SHOP, FOLLOWED YOU HOME. PLEASE DO NOT CALL POLICE ON ME AGAIN. I WAS ROOTING IN YOUR TRASH BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. YOU WILL REALIZE THIS SOME DAY. YOU CANNOT STOP ME.
LOVE, YOUR DESTINY
(Baker’s Coconut, 1940)
Mmmmmmmm! Nothing says “I love you” like a shag cake from a can.
(Columbia Grafonola, 1921)
I say this with no sarcasm whatsoever – I would gladly accept any of the items in this ad as a gift. The Grafonola phonograph, the 78 rpm records, the Valentine’s cover, any of it.
UNNNNNNNNNGGHHHHHHHHH, SWEET BRAINS! CANDY, WE MEANT TO SAY CANDY. SWEET CANDY!
(Weldon Pajamas, 1960)
On my list of people to line up against the wall when I become king, right between parents who name all their children with the same first initial and people who abuse animals, are families who wear matching pajamas. That’s right Brady and Bronwyn, you too. If you want a last cigarette now’s the time.
(Milky Way/Mars, 1954)
Here’s a fun fact: Valentine’s Day was invented in 1934 as a way for candy retailers to unload their remaining stock from Halloween. The more you know!
There’s no holiday quite like Valentine’s Day to reinforce the notion that if you stand out in any way physically from your peers, you deserve all the scorn you get. Hey, look at Curly ladies! Who could love a monster like that?
(J. Shillington’s, 1851)
I choo-choo-choose you… to be the latest experiment in my hidden basement laboratory! Scream all you want, it only makes me more excited.