Sammy Sosa album cover

Sammy Sosa — Pinterest Sensation, Music Star!

In case you haven’t already seen, Sammy Sosa — former Major League Baseball star, bat corker, and Hall of Fame wannabe — has undertaken a bizarre strategy for improving his public image. And by that I mean he’s not only Tweeting, he has a Pinterest page. But rather than use Pinterest for its intended purpose — sharing pictures of food and kicky shoes — he’s published nothing but posed portraits of himself. To compound the oddness, every photo bears an identical description: “Sammy Sosa. Yes, I’m the real Sammy Sosa, and this is my Pinterest.”

In looking at Sosa’s pinned photos, featuring him posing uncomfortably either in a snappy blue suit or mustard yellow sweater, I was struck by how much some of the photos looked like the cover to a never-released album of lounge music or easy listening orchestral pop. So I decided to just make that happen, and here’s the result.

Sammy Sosa album cover

Sammy, he sing for YOU!

Seattle Frasiers (SuperSonics) NBA logo

Seattle, Welcome Back Your NBA Basketball Team With a New Logo!

If today’s reports are to be believed, the NBA’s Sacramento Kings — currently sitting pretty at the top of the list of franchises who have gone the longest without a title — are leaving the California capital and moving north to Seattle. That city is, of course, the former home of the SuperSonics, who now play in Oklahoma City as the Thunder, and have a crappy logo.

And while Emerald City residents are already salivating at the return of their beloved Sonics, I’d like to humbly suggest a new brand altogether. After all, the most recent major sports team to depart a town and return several years later with the same name was the Cleveland Browns. And we all know how that’s been going for them.

But if not the Sonics, then what? Well they could stay with the Kings. Seattle is, after all, the King County seat. And the players wouldn’t have to change the monogram on their locker room towels. But I propose a bolder move. Something that draws upon the city’s deep cultural and historical roots and reflects their proud identity. So with that, I give you the Seattle Frasiers!

Seattle Frasiers (SuperSonics) NBA logo

What’s great about this is that you get to keep the green and gold color scheme, and you can probably get Kelsey Grammer to record a new fight song for you on the cheap!

Little Golden Book - Donny and Marie (Osmond) Hide Their Shameful Love

Children’s Books of the Damned, Vol. 1

I have altered children’s book covers both popular and obscure for humorous effect. Pray I don’t alter them any further.

Little Golden Book cover parody - Donny and Marie (Osmond) Hide Their Shameful Love

Hey, I’m not even Mormon bashing here. Those two were just straight up creepy.

Let's Start a Shitty Indie Band - Little Golden Book cover parody

I’m not saying this was inspired by Mumford & Sons, but I’m also not denying it.

Little Golden Book parody - No Body, No Conviction

Short pants, even shorter temper.

Little Golden Book parody - Roy Rogers Busts Another Young Bronco

Subtitled: Little Toby and the Reverse Cowboy.

(Many thanks to Bob Staake for the inspiration.)

Classic (Unused) 1969 Tupperware Advertisement

Almost Ads — Tupperware, 1969

Classic (Unused) 1969 Tupperware Advertisement

I can tell what Tupperware was going for in this ad — which ran in a 1969 issue of Field & Stream by the way — but here we have a demonstration of how a very subtle thing can turn a photo from cheeky to creepy. The wife is supposed to convey a mixture of surprise and mild annoyance. To my eyes she looks like she’s stifling a scream while her husband polishes his rifle and mutters something about making them all pay.

If you ask me, that woman about two seconds from dropping that soda and plate of cheese and running out of that rumpus room as fast as her legs can take her.

(For more Almost Ads, click here.)

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The Geoff Tate Queensrÿche Experience!

It’s the Geoff Tate Queensrÿche Experience!

I haven’t posted much of anything about the ongoing soap opera in Queensrÿche land, mostly because it’s all too depressing for this long-time fan to contemplate. But for those not in the know, vocalist and band co-founder Geoff Tate was fired from Queensrÿche about a month ago. Queensrÿche then went out and got a new singer. I figured Tate would leave well enough alone and just go for a solo career. I was kind of excited about this prospect, actually.

But nope, turns out we now get to deal with two Queensrÿches. That’s right, Tate put together his own version of the group — this one featuring former Quiet Riot, Ozzy Osbourne, and Whitesnake bassist Rudy Sarzo, ex-Ratt drummer Bobby Blotzer, and former Megadeth guitarist Glen Drover.

Maybe this band will be good, maybe not. But the first thing I thought of was all the different versions of the Beach Boys that Mike Love and/or Al Jardine trotted out before the recent reunion with Brian Wilson. And I just had to do my Photoshop thing. So here’s Geoff Tate and Friends in The Geoff Tate Queensrÿche Experience!

The Geoff Tate Queensrÿche Experience!

The Geoff Tate Queensrÿche Experience! (feat. John Stamos and Bruce Johnston)

Time Magazine - Are You Dad Enough?

Time Magazine Has Gone Too Far — Are You Dad Enough?

It’s not bad enough that Time has taken the route of cheap sensationalism with the photo for their latest cover story — “Are You Mom Enough?” — which depicts a young mother (Jamie Lynne Grumet) breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. Now that they’ve gotten dads in on the picture, it’s just too much to take.

Time Magazine - Are You Dad Enough?

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Keeping Up With the Kardashians (Kim, Kourtney, and Khewbacca!)

I Can’t Wait for the New Season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians

I don’t know about you, but I’m super-jazzed for the upcoming season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on the fabulous E! Network. Maybe now that Khloé Khewbacca Kardashian Odom has one less series to focus on, she can get back to escorting Han Solo in many exciting galactic space adventures!

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (Kim, Kourtney, and Khewbacca!)

You're so outrageous, Khewbacca!

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