Ten Commandments for driving in New Jersey

Nevermind that other list the Vatican published last summer – here are the Ten Commandments for anyone getting behind the wheel in my beloved Garden State:

  1. Thou shalt slam on thy brakes within 1,000 yards of a police car, even if thou art not speeding and the police officer hath already pulled someone else over.
  2. Thou shalt drive at least 15% faster than the posted speed limit or thou shalt get out of the way.
  3. Thou shalt forget everything thou learned about driving when the first raindrop hits the road.
  4. Thou shalt drive as if thou art the only one on the road if thou drivest a limo.
  5. Thou shalt slow to a crawl to rubberneck when even the most minor fender bender occurs.
  6. Thou shalt ignore all Merge signs when there is a traffic backup, because getting 20 feet ahead will totally make all the difference.
  7. If thou art female and under 5’4″, thou shalt drive the largest SUV thou can afford.
  8. Thou shalt wait until thou art pulled up to the toll booth to start digging for change.
  9. Thou shalt only drive while using thy cell phone in an emergency. Or a non-emergency.
  10. Thou shalt use thy brights and fog lights at all times, and ensure that thy regular headlights are improperly aligned.
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