The apocalypse will be televised: 6 visions of the future in music videos

Since time immemorial, mankind has approached the future with a mixture of wonder and fear.  From primitive days to Biblical times, and even in our modern, sophisticated age we have imagined ourselves either ascending to the pinnacle of enlightenment and peace or descending into a living hell on earth.

Somewhere in between those two extremes lie the visions of the future shown in music videos.  These glimpses into our possible futures show us what most likely lies in store for us – a world that is bleak and hopeless, but still has a pretty kickass soundtrack.

Kiss – “All Hell’s Breakin’ Loose”

The scenario: This is pretty much your stock “post-apocalyptic rock world” video as you’ll soon see.  Dirty streets, lots of fire, and desperate women in tattered clothes are all in abundance here.  Kiss (freshly unmasked at this point in their careers) looks a bit out of place in this setting, what with their spandex and frilled leather jackets, but they somehow land a gig as the bar band in a place that appears to have neither a bar nor very much liquor.  Actually it looks more like an abandoned warehouse.

While the band is up there giving it their all, some random fencing matches break out between the ladies.  And there’s more fire.  And some really awful hairstyles.

Once Kiss figures out they’re probably going to get stiffed by the manager, they hightail it out of the bar/warehouse/fencing club and hit the desolate streets again.  They’ll have to survive the best they can on scraps until Ace and Peter rejoin the band and they can start printing their own money again.

The lesson for us is: If you have a successful band in the future, your survival (not to mention your ability to get decent gigs) will depend on keeping the original lineup intact.

Mötley Crüe – “Looks That Kill”

The scenario: Brandishing torches and loud L.A. glam metal, Mötley Crüe arrives in the middle of a bombed-out city and scares the crap out of the nubile young women who appear to be its only inhabitants.  With the women safely locked up in their cage (who said heavy metal was misogynistic?), the boys commence to some androgynous rockin’.  How anyone can actually tell the difference between the band and the women is anybody’s guess.

The Crüe continues to torment the caged women until – alas! – a sassy brunette armed only with a shield and a hairdo full of Aqua Net arrives to put the boys in their place.  She frees the girls and withstands a blistering Mick Mars guitar solo, before finally defeating the power of the unholy pentagram.

Temporarily humbled, the Crüe heads after the victorious anti-metal goddess (who is not Tipper Gore).  But rather than fall into their hands and be exposed to any number of STDs, she impales herself on a wall of spikes.  Good move on her part I’d say.

The lesson for us is: Just because civilization has crumbled doesn’t mean you can go back to treating women like objects, guys.  Even if you worship the devil.

Up next: Southern rockers are distracted easily, and 2Pac is still making new music even a century from now.

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