Wednesday, June 3
Shadow

Trailer Trash — Arthur, Source Code, and Hop

I don’t have time to go to the movies much any more. So instead I’m going to just review some new and upcoming films based solely on their trailers. Because let’s face it, most movies only have about two or three minutes’ worth of good material anyway.

Arthur

Ah Hollywood, always perfectly tuned into the needs and feelings of American moviegoers. I can imagine that with unemployment still rampant and people scraping by just to keep from getting kicked out of their homes in record numbers, there’s nothing people want to see more than a feel-good comedy about a spoiled — and possibly mentally challenged — man-child (Russell Brand) flaunt his wealth for a few hours. Oh, but he’s really a good guy so I guess it’s OK. Whatever.

I never got around to seeing the original Arthur with Dudley Moore, and I will probably never see this one either. I didn’t laugh once during this trailer, even though the idea of donning the Bat-suit and tooling around in the Batmobile is pretty cool.

Source Code

Combine a dash of The Matrix, a pinch of Total Recall, and a huge friggin’ fistful of Memento and I guess you get Source Code. Jake Gyllenhaal has to relive the last eight minutes of some dead guy’s life over and over in order to figure out who exploded a bomb aboard a train in Chicago and to help prevent an even bigger attack, but instead he falls in love with a woman (Michelle Monaghan) and wants to spend taxpayer money to save her. Even though she’s already dead. And even though I’m guessing she’s either the mastermind of the first train bombing or otherwise linked in some way that will rock Gyllenhaal’s world during a dramatic, slo-mo reveal scene. Yawn.

Hop

Telling me this movie is from the creators of Despicable Me doesn’t make me want to see it. Telling me this movie is directed by the same guy who did Alvin and the Chipmunks most definitely doesn’t make me want to see it. Those are ugly, CGI abominations, and Hop looks like one too. And making the Easter Bunny — sorry, E.B. — sound like the Geico gecko doesn’t really help either (thanks again, Russell Brand). Oh look, he poops jelly beans, har har! *head slap*

OK, maybe adding David Hasselhoff helps. A little. But mostly this thing looks like complete dreck, cynically targeted at families. Naturally this means it will pull in at least $150 million.

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