I don’t have time to go to the movies much any more. So instead I’m going to just review some new and upcoming films based solely on their trailers. Because let’s face it, most movies only have about two or three minutes’ worth of good material anyway.

Conan the Barbarian

I don’t know a damn thing about Conan aside from the first Arnold Schwarzenegger movie (excellent) and the second Arnold Schwarzenegger movie (decent). Maybe Jason Momoa’s portrayal of Conan is closer to the figure envisioned by Robert E. Howard in his stories. All I know is that I like my Conan with a touch of cheese and tongue planted firmly in cheek. This new take looks like a real friggin’ downer, full on vaguely menacing but generic bad guys. Forgot the title character for a second — the malevolent and suave Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones, y’all!) will be hard to top.

Midnight in Paris

The only reason people claim to want to see this movie is because it’s a Woody Allen project. Because I gotta say, Midnight in Paris looks like a real snoozer. A beautifully filmed and well-acted snoozer, yes, but still, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………

X-Men: First Class

Admittedly, I was never into any of the X books during my comic reading period. But I thought the first few movies were really good and the third was decent. This I have no interest in. Once you’ve seen acting powerhouses like Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen play Professor X and Magneto, why watch inferior replacements?

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