Ever been on a blind date that you knew was a disaster right from the start, yet you felt obligated to see it through to the bitter end?  Such seems to be the recurring fate of the Monarch, forced to endure a supremely lame archenemy pairing at the beginning of “Tears of a Sea Cow” (working title “Murder O’Clock”).  But soon the misery is over, and he turns his attention back to his true hate…Dr. Venture.

After quickly (and permanently) dispatching his newest and lamest foe, Dr. Dugong, a frustrated and bored Monarch can’t restrain himself any longer – with Doc Venture away showing his Vacuum Boom-Broom, he gives in to his true feelings and takes #21 and #24 out to f&*@ up an empty Venture compound.  The Monarch and #21 take a hilarious slide down to the Monarchmobile (#24 wisely takes the stairs) and head out for some unauthorized henching.

"That's the smell of pure hate."

Back at the Venture compound, the musical trio of Hank Venture (bass), Dermott (vocals), and H.E.L.P.eR. (electronic rhythm section) – the next big thing since Eddie and the Cruisers no less – try to score some press coverage in the Venture Home News.  And it turns out Dean’s paper does have subscribers, including a lovestruck Henchman #21, who writes in and secretly declares his love for Dr. Mrs. The Monarch under the pen name “G. Viceroy”.

Later, after Dean (who seems to be acting more like his father lately) inadvertently disables the compound’s alarm system, the Monarch and company make their dramatic entrance.  Hank and Dermott (with his lighter safely, uh, stored) investigate, and soon clash with the Henchmen.  Desperate to not have anyone find out about their botched arch attempt, #21 shoots a possibly immortal Hank while #24 bribes Dermott to keep his mouth shut.

Meanwhile, the Monarch is back in the compound in a scene very reminiscent of “Tag Sale – You’re It!”.  He takes the opportunity to hock a loogie on one of Doc’s slides, and finds some way to rape a rebuilt G.U.A.R.D.O. (from season one’s “Home Insecurity”).  When Dean discovers the sick scene, the Monarch pulls some reverse psychology to avoid being tattled on.

After a bit of stumbling early in the season, the show is hitting its stride again.  Doc Hammer, who penned this episode, provided a great blend of one-liners and plot development.  There were lots of callbacks to earlier episodes, but they were expertly weaved into the story.  We got teased with the origin of the Monarch/Venture feud, and came closer to confirming that Brock Samson is Dermott’s real father.

But the best was kept for last – as the flying cocoon approaches Spider-Skull Island, it appears that the Guild of Calamitous Intent has finally given the Monarch permission to arch Dr. Venture…Dr. Jonas Venture, Jr.  That promises to be off the chain, on a trial basis at least.

By the way, I don’t care what anyone says, I love Tim Tom and Kevin (aka the Murderous Moppets, and newly rechristened as the Pupae Twins).  Their bloodlust and just plain lust for Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is comedy gold (“They were white panties, Kevin.  White.”).

Final grade: A

Best lines/moments:

• “I’m so scared of your leftover prop from a Styx video.  Please spare my life, Mr. Roboto.”
• “How much thalidomide did your mom take?”
• The Monarch (aka Bare Walls in Baltimore) tricking Dean Venture into giving away the blueprints and access codes to the compound – awesome.
• “We don’t get to do anything!  I’m like this close to arching the paperboy!”
• “Oh, hey loser.  Changed our of your 1910 banker’s costume and into your Oompa-Loompa costume for us?”
• “Two words: titty bar.  Just gonna throw that out there.”
• “I just wanted to kick his ass!  I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass!  I wanted to build an empire to house the machine to kick his ass!”
• “Who put the top up?”  “You will thank me later.  It’s gonna rain.”
• “What is this, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?  Who else knew it could do this?”
• Yet another knock on In Through the Out Door.  Guess that album really isn’t liked over at the Astrobase.
• “Dean, don’t hide in the closet.”  “I just need a few moments in here!”
• I love Hank’s serious voice (“Like the Highlander?”).
• “I couldn’t run because I had a lighter up my ass.”  “OK, now I believe you’re Hank’s friend.”
• “Give me the prize…I am the one!”