These are troubling financial times, my friends. Jobs are being cut, houses foreclosed on, and now the dreaded “R” word is being tossed around. In these dark days, who can show us the way toward fiduciary responsibility? If you answered “a fictional cowboy who looks eerily like Ernest Borgnine,” give yourself a gold star.

That’s right boys and girls, our old pal Hopalong Cassidy will show us the way to fiscal solvency! So break open that piggy bank, look under those couch cushions, and rifle through grandma’s purse while she’s busy taking her meds, ’cause we got dimes to collect! But tell us Hoppy, how do we get started with all this savings fun?

Well that’s just too easy! I gotta admit, if I was a kid in the ’50s I probably would’ve been all over this. I mean, if there were a DangerMouse Savings Club I’d probably be retired by now. And hey, for the trouble of putting together $2.00 to join this thing you actually got some pretty swell stuff in return. To wit:

Let’s see — as a proud club member you get a Hopalong Cassidy bank, a badge, an autographed color photo, a PERSONAL letter from Hoppy, a membership certificate (suitable for framing), a membership card, a savings book, and a mail pouch. Neat! Seriously, let’s see those spendthrifts Pokemon or Bratz offer up something of similar value.

And hey, as you climb the ranks of the short and thrifty you are rewarded still more with Honor Badges!

From the lowly station of Tenderfoot, you can achieve the ranks (in order) of Wrangler, Bulldogger, Bronc Buster, Trail Boss, Straw Boss, and the ultimate accolade available for an underage miser — Bar 20 Foreman (Bar 20 being the name of Hopalong’s ranch). I just checked my savings account and I feel confident I’d qualify as an Arrow Magnet or a Bull Chip Shoveler.

So what are you waiting for?! If you think that 401(k) is going to cut it, you’re just plumb stupid. And just in case mom and dad ain’t on board for this hootenanny of savings, Hopalong’s got a few words for them too:

So quit yer woolgathering and start wrangling those dimes! Because I really don’t want to have to talk like this anymore.

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