I don’t have time to go to the movies much any more. So instead I’m going to just review some new and upcoming films based solely on their trailers. Because let’s face it, most movies only have about two or three minutes’ worth of good material anyway.

13 Assassins (Jûsan-nin no shikaku)

I don’t care if I have to bring my reading glasses, this looks cool. I can’t help but think that this is a just a Samurai version of 300 (this…is… Kyoto!!!) but that’s cool. Lots of yelling, swordplay, and explosions. What’s not to love?

Thor

OK, is there a movie that Natalie Portman isn’t in this year? Thor was probably my favorite comic book character growing up — I followed him with slavish devotion both in his solo series and as part of the Avengers — so there’s already some built-in goodwill toward this movie. And yet I just can’t get all the excited about it. It certainly looks like it’ll be good and of course the special effects are outstanding, but am I the only one getting a little worn down by all these comic franchises hitting the big screen over the last decade? Or maybe I’m just not feeling Chris Hemsworth as the Norse God of Thunder yet.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Oh James Franco, when will you ever learn? Didn’t your dad invent a serum to bring humankind to the next level of his development? I seem to recall that not working out so well, don’t you? But here you are again, monkeying around with super science (see what I did there?). I’m guessing this won’t end well either. Also, apes, please don’t hurt Draco Malfoy OK?

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